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So you may have figured out that I have been going through a bit of turmoil lately, and thus, there are some things that I’ve been mentally chewing over which I probably won’t ever post here. In fact I have started keeping a diary for my eyes only.

In the meantime, I will leave you all with a brief update about massage #2 in weeks – positively decadent! I barely ever get 2 massages in 2 years normally, but when the back of my neck starts hurting, that’s always a sign to either take care of it or get ready for migraines.

Besides (and you knew my inner cheapskate had to make an appearance sooner or later, right?) SpringThyme had a fabulous weekend special throughout August: 50 minutes or aromatherapy massage (eucalyptus in my case) for $60 (plus tax and tip, of course).

I think I will take my massage therapist Kayan’s advice and come back for periodic shorter sessions to focus on specific problems areas (e.g., calves/shins/feet, neck/shoulders – or the neckal region as BM puts it [heh]) if the various monthly weekend specials don’t catch my eye. Sometimes their weekend specials are really good, with August, so there’s always hope.

Yeah, all those comments lead to the conclusion that tiny little Kayan (she’s Asian American too, and might be 98 pounds soaking wet, but has hands of steel when needed) was a great hit, and I will be a steady client. Plus she was trained (I forgot to ask which institute) on how to deal with lymphatic drainage issues after breast cancer surgery involving lymph node removal. (Yes, just like injections, blood tests, blood pressure readings, carrying luggage, and many other fun things, massage is something that needs to be adjusted on my left arm and torso forever after.)

So the giant photo at the top of this post was taken by my (possessed) cellphone at the Institute for Advanced Study near Princeton today, when I visited my friend Kieran’s parents and we all went for a walk and nearly passed out from the heat. (I say my phone was possessed because while we were walking, I found out later that it had: erased some settings while at the same time sending e-mail, dialing Chase MC, and leaving voice messages!) I missed his parents and had not seen them since last August, what with the insanity of the past year. The plan is to next visit them in October during foliage season.

The egg custard tarts shown below were purchased at the newly renamed Natalie Bakery, whose former name I much prefer King Custard Café, or as my old photo seems to show, Egg Custard King Cafe.

The flavors involved today were: Portuguese style egg custard tart, banana custard, almond, regular, and egg white. Name that tart!

Instructions not included

I was having a lovely time with my older grandnephew (he was being very sweet and serious), and doing quite well despite the lack of assembly instructions (after his mom had put half of it together) but then we realized that an important piece was missing. Oops.

It was hilarious when he sternly told me "to just focus and look for the piece" since he sounded just like his dad (don't worry, I treated his instructions very seriously). He said he'd help me "yook ebbywhere".

His younger brother was his usual sunny self and played blocks with me while his mom folded laundry in another room (I'm tellin' ya: I'm totally up for free babysitting, though I realize kids also don't come with an instruction sheet) and submitted to my many requests for hugs and kisses.

Hey, even Thomas (pictured here) gave me a kiss. A gave me lots of hugs last night, and Olivia (with the help of my sister) gave me smiles and baby giggles this afternoon. I'm on a roll!

Now waiting for my massage, in 20 min...

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Chasing pirates again

A new insomniac record: woke up @ 4:45 and my mind was off and running. At least it's a Saturday and I can take a nap later, a la the baby brigade.

So here I am, not going online with the laptop, but blogging via phone instead. And yes, I've been sticking to decaf.

My Pearl of Wisdom has been pleasantly surprised (?!) by the amount of anger I've been expressing @the Engineer. This may all be very emotionally healthy, but she confirmed that yes, it might wreak havoc on my sleep cycles for while, until I work it out of my system.

Hmmm... is this like broccoli or fish liver oil: good for me in the long run, but absolutely no fun while it's going down the chute?

Oh and before I forget this time, the photo is from City Hall Park (or whatever it's called) where there's a summertime art exhibit.

Later today, I'm off for my regular trip to CT. (Bonus: A lives nearby, so it looks like I'll also get to see him.) And Sunday night I've booked a massage as my neck is one big knot lately.

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P.S. about that label thing

I forgot to label the photo!

It's a shot taken from Island Beach in CT, the Saturday I was playing on the swing set with my sister's family.

DOH!

And now, I really must dash. Ciao!

Throw out that Dymo!

So as some of you know, I am not normally comfortable with ambiguity. Uncertainty and shades of grey are to me what a water pistol is to a cat: something to be avoided at all costs.

So the idea that I might throw out that Dymo and not label my relationship / friendship / time with A is nothing short of revolutionary (thank you, Jack -- your comment rang a bell in my whirling dervish of a brain). At the moment he is a good friend I can tease mercilessly (don't worry: he has a safe word) and who gives me lots of huge bear hugs, which I am discovering are lots of fun since he is strong enough to swing me completely up into the air.

Some of you may remember how you complimented me on how maturely I was handling my breakup with the Engineeer. Well it turns out that the congratulations were premature, because his dumping all my stuff with my doorman, and my mailing of his keys back to him (he of course was in such a hurry, while I was still out, that he didn't take the second bag which had his expensive house keys) triggered all sorts of emotions.

Yeah, my neck really, really hurts these days. Yup, I really need to learn how to relax (one day, I really WILL read that wiki).

On the bright side, I have scheduled a massage for myself Sunday night (woohoo!) and my Pearl of Wisdom will really be earning her keep this Friday, before I head out to a birthday dinner for my friend Jackie with our friend Marci.

My head is just whirling around so much these days that no matter what time I go to sleep -- 9 PM, midnight, 2 AM -- I find that I wake up before 6 AM (yes, me) and can't stop myself from chasing pirates, as Norah Jones so aptly sings. So yup, I've been awake for 2 hours now. GAH.

Well, at least I'm putting some of this nervous energy to use: I've started doing my morning exercises every day, and my bedroom floor now has enough space cleared off that this feasible. And taking long, WW points-filled walks. In fact, some mornings I eye the park from my window and think, "Hmmmm... I could squeeze one in before work." (Please, pick yourselves up off the floor after you've recovered consciousness.)

But yeah, too much going on in my head, and too angry at my ex (not to mention that work is just about wiping out the reserves of humor in all of the Gang of Five who are remaining -- 4 days away was not enough, but at least now I won't be arrested for going postal) so I hid my trial membership at Match.

Just not in the right frame of mind, not even for practice dates (not that I was getting anything except lameass winks from guys in Oregon [!!!] or e-mail from 58 year old men who live "a quick 2 and half hours away"). Nope, not ready.

But since it's just about 8 AM, it is time that I start getting ready for work, while listening to my new $5 download from Amazon of The Shanghai Restoration Project. I'd been wanting to get this CD for a while, and then it went on sale, so hey, procrastination pays! Score!

Taking friendly advice

Okay, so it’s well past noon and I’ve been awake for 7 hours already and haven’t gotten dressed yet or taken a shower (though these days it's more like 3 showers/day anyway), although I have eaten breakfast (3 points including fruit), written and uploaded my Match dot com profile and sent out 4 messages. (Question: WTF is a guy in Oregon winking at me for?) Ready to go back to bed now!

Today is the second and final of my mental health days and it looks like it could be rather physically unproductive unless I get some more sleep. My problem is that my brain is up and running as soon as I open my eyes, even if my body is still tired. Just think: this is with DECAF only for the past week (although I do know that decaf still has some caffeine).

The food you see here is all from yesterday, where A pretty much fed me the whole way through our second and final official date, (which I should add lasted for 2 meals and um... let's see, 5 or 6 hours). Yes folks, we have arrived at the classic "we should just be friends stage" already, which is not so bad really, as he is too nice a guy to take advantage of or to take advantage of me, if that makes sense. Besides I seem to keep my guy friends a whole lot longer than my boyfriends in any case.

We have lots of fun together, can talk about almost anything with each other, and share plenty of common interests (and each think the other is attractive) but we're at very different stages in our lives, so friendly hugs are going to be the currency of the realm whenever we see each other.

And after the past year I've been feeling about as attractive as an old dishcloth, or 1970s wallpaper, or Alice The Maid on The Brady Bunch, or -- well, you get the idea -- (yeah, I didn't quite make it out unscathed from my relationship with the engineer, did I?) so male appreciation is very welcome at this point, because intellectually I believe my girlfriends when they tell me I'm a cute female, but there's nothing quite like a certain gleam in a guy's eyes to add conviction to that statement -- sorry ladies.

So as a friend, A gave me a gentle nudge and told me I should go start the dating whirlwind again (okay, those are my words, but that was his intent). I'm not/wasn't quite sure that I'm ready for this whole thing yet, but A assured me with very amusing emphasis that "oh yes, you're ready alright" so I'll just see if I can take some practice dates (is that like practice at-bats in softball?) and see what happens.

I've signed up for 3 months on Match (which seems to have added a gazillion question pages to the profile!) because that's usually how much patience I have with these things until I get completely fed up. Fortuitously enough, Yahoo also slapped on a free 8 day trial for transferring my info over from there to Match.

Okay, time to act like the babies I've been visiting all summer, and head for my last midday nap for a while.

CrackBerry Brain

Not bad for a cameraphone, eh? It even automatically stitched the photos together into a panorama shot for me. And people mock my fondness for new gadgetphones.

On the other hand, rereading my blog posts on here from the phone, I am appalled to realize I write like the CrackBerry fiends I loathe at work! It's very difficult to edit properly and check syntax on a teeny tiny screen using only your thumbs to type. So I'm finding missing verbs, missing NOUNS, typos, and other egregious errors sprinkled throughout here. Sorry guys. Pondering whether to go back and correct them, or keep them as a record of my chaotic brain activity for the past month.

(Long pause for a nap)

So yes, there are many things I need to blather on about more fully.... but not right now, since A is about to arrive for our date. (Look at it this way: more to update you all on later!)

In the meantime here is Walter's adorably sunny son Xander. This was my first glimpse of him, sound asleep in the double stroller, with his strawberry birthmark. His sister can be a charmer but I heart the little guy's easygoing disposition.

I leave you all with the image of me (yes, me) helping Walter out with his 6 month old twins for 3 solid hours, as his partner was working last night. If I squinted (and drank a lot) I could almost imagine we were a little nuclear family, and lemme tellya, I'm tired just thinking about it! (Seriously though, the babies were good -- I'm just too lazy to deal with even getting another cat, much less raising children!)

Now I know why adults used to always pinch my cheeks as a child....

Oops -- gotta go. A's downstairs!

Waterfalls

I'm calm now, but I was so furious at the engineer when he abruptly dropped off my stuff the other night while I was out. Granted that was what I asked him to do, but somehow the way he did it (fait accompli + terse text message) was ungracious.

Altogether a disappointing and upsetting way of ending a relationship that was very important to me. My sister says I should have a nice cry but I find it hard to let it out.

At least I'm having a few mental health days right now (tense? who? me?) away from work.

When I woke up this morning I realized I'd had a whole series of rage dreams last nite after going to bed at 9pm. (Yes, I was that worn out.) So I went for a long walk in the park early this morning, and listened to the sound of the little waterfall I found.

I'm beginning to realize that I didn't emerge as unscathed as I thought from this relationship, but it does to know that a cute guy finds you attractive despite all the baggage: 2nd date with A tomorrow! :)

Panda alert!

It seems that once it was clear I could never have biological offspring, I'm destined to be surrounded by adorable babies galore as family and friends experience a mini population explosion.

Today I'm off to see my old friend Walter and his partner Brian and meet their semi-twins for (same egg donor, both dads - seriously, what what you call them? half-siblings?)

The weather has been so disgustingly hot all summer that I haven't knit at all, so as an IOU for eventual knitted sweaters (I've known Walter for 22 years! eeek!) I'm bringing little shoes for Izzy and Xander in a little post-consumer use recycled plastic Dick and Jane bag (perhaps reusable for diaper wipes? binkies? other baby items?).

The red pair has pandas for Izzy and the blue pair has a large dragon (which represents the male principle in Chinese symbolism) for Xander.

Can't wait to meet the babies! god thing the next stop on the train is their station :-D

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Guys I love

Here you see my younger grandnephew and his dad. I just love Nicky to bits and I think my niece's husband is a really great guy. (My 4 y.o. grandnephew runs away from me so Dunno much about him yet. Rejected again!)

My brother-in-law, before the disease, was one of the most wonderful men I knew, and my nephew is a chip off the old block .

I remind myself of these menfolk as I confront the behavior of my ex, at the close of our relationship. How disappointed am I that I had to call his parents to get him to even acknowledge that he owed me a REPLY about exchanging stuff? What're we? 12 year olds?

Maybe it's best that blogging from my phone imposes a 1,000 character limit per post, so I can't dwell as much on The End.

Oh screw it ... I'll continue this on the laptop.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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Shoe meet Other Foot

have I mentioned that I have started to tutor a student in English as part of a volunteer project through my alumnae network? Have I also mentioned that I accidentally cracked my Palm TX with the Chinese dictionary? (I've always had great timing that way.)

Yes, my poor little noggin is quite tired after one of those sessions. Makes me want to email my Chinese tutor and thank her all over again. (I'm not saying my Mandarin is anything but atrociously rusty, but she was a good tutor.)

Work has also been insanely busy (so much so that my boss is asking the powers that be for another headcount) so I'm going to toddle off to bed now, since I've asked my work to wake me up at 6:00. (No, she's not calling me; I'm staying over after my weekly visit & we watched CRIMINAL MINDS together. Heh.)

Nitey!

Beach baby bingo

I had SUCH a nice time with my family in CT this weekend: got to see my newest grandniece Olivia (who smiled and laughed and burped all over me -- it's official: I'm accepted!) and my older grandniece Lilly (whose feet you see peeking in the corner of the photo), my sister (of course), nephew (Lilly's dad), and older niece (Olivia's mom), and brother-in-law.

That last item makes me want to cry when I think about it too much (today, he was unresponsive to any stimuli) but I guess one way I deal with it is my brain somehow just recognizes him as a different person altogether than the man who used to teasingly call me "professor".

Ok, determined change of subject: at one point this morning, all 4 of us took over the swing set at the beach playground (Lilly, nephew, sis, me) and had a blast. Wheee!

And in the late afternoon I was sleepy and longing for a nap and Sis asked me, "Why not?" Good point, Sis! So I did. :)

Now I'm on the train back to NYC and thinking life CAN be good.

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Let's try this again

Last night was an unexpected date with A so today I'm pretty much a happy camper (the 3 hours went swimmingly). I did discover to my semi-shock that he and I have managed to completely blow past my monthly txt msg limit of 250 (oops) but since I'm also posting to the blog (like now) and exploiting the new phone's multimedia features to their fullest, it' NOT just him.

There is also next Sunday to look forward to (bonus!) Murphy is laughing somewhere at my plan to not even THINK about dating until next year.

Right now I'm on the train to CT to see my sister and grandnieces and grandnephews. It' sunny but only pleasantly warm w/cool breezes, and I,m fighting to stay awake (don't want to wake up in Stamford!) after waking up at 6:15 for some unfathomable reason.

The attached photo is from the new Whitman College [yes, of ebay fame] @ Princeton, where I'' be visiting my friend Kieran's parents on the 16th, my mental health day bookend.

Sleepless, but not in Seattle

pills galore!

So I think I may be caught in that vicious cycle of [ too much caffeine -- stay up late -- too much caffeine -- lather, rinse, repeat ]. Check out the size of that morning mug of cafe au lait, near the whole grain waffle, and pill cup, all which are my weekday starters.

Then I get to the office and pick up another 20 oz. of iced coffee or tea. (Today, I am heading for a THIRD cup of iced coffee after lunch.) You see where this is all going.

Actually, I don't think it's the coffee so much as the laptop computer that is all too aptly named in my case, as I have a problem ripping myself offline at night (yes, I am weak as milk-fed veal). And then of course, it sometimes takes a little while longer for the hamster to stop running around my mental treadmill.

Guess I just wanted to demonstrate that yup, I drink me lotsa caffeine.

The pills in my little handmade/wheel-thrown dish are the following:

• tamoxifen - as someone put it, "The cancer-go-away pill"
• lexapro - happy pill that won't counteract the cancer-go-away pill
• vitamin D3 - 2,000 units/day, doctor's orders (regular vitamin D levels should be 30-80; mine was 13)
• vitamin E - 500 units (my little attempt to help on the antioxidant front)
• acidophilus - which I keep in the fridge; I'm middle aged and my innards need assistance
• multivitamin w/ iron - I seriously doubt I eat a balanced diet, although I am eating healthy

I need me some Calgon time, so at the moment, I am clinging to sanity by my fingernails with the thought of the mental health day I'll be taking on Friday the 13th. (Did I mention one of my coworkers is on vacation this week? Oh and the requests are flying in fast and furious?)

All this is a long-winded way of me avoiding the subject of my first ever pickup of a guy, like, out in the real world and not online. (What can I say? I'm a late bloomer.) Now before you all get all alarmed, I just mean we are talking and I met some of his friends and we'll eventually go out and do something later in the month.

A. is a film nut (actually, he also works in commercial film) and he and I met while waiting in a loooong line at the Ken Russell movie. I just started started talking with him because he seemed nice and we were waiting for almost an hour in the blessed air-conditioning. (Say, is showing him my Kobo the modern equivalent of showing him my etchings?) I can hear my family laughing affectionately now -- only I would meet a guy while waiting for a movie none of them had ever even heard of, AND he knows who Jet Li is.

Anyway, all of this is fun but I am more concerned with navel-gazing in a way, since I'm still not sure I'm in any shape to start another relationship (we're not even going to get into his side of the equation) and I had absolutely no intention of even LOOKING until next year. None. Naturally. (This week's talk with my Pearl of Wisdom will be miiiiiighty interesting.)

So you can see why I really need some time off to decompress, since my head of spinning for more than one reason these days. Maybe I will make it a four day weekend and take the 16th off too...

Oh and yes, at the moment Blogger is accessible during lunch. This is all subject to change, depending on whichever filters the IT dept feels like activating for the day. Regardless, lunch time is OVAH.

Beefy goodness

Just testing out the option to send content via my phone to the blog.

Behold my friend Ian's beef cheeks sandwich at Spitzer's (a cholesterolfest_establishment of which I have written previously). This sandwich was SO GOOD that I may have to return for one of my own.