Schizoid

Apologies in advance to all of the PC police I am about to offend by using the term schizoid for today's theme, but it does seem so appropriate. (And apologies for my vaguely whining tone -- ugh!) For example:

Last night's subway ride home - It was after 11pm and the A train (normally an express) runs on the local track, which is where I would take the C train to go home. So after leaving Jackie's place to go home, Marci and I are sitting on the A train in the 50th Street station, where the subway has stopped for several minutes, for some undisclosed reason.

Finally, the doors close, and after a prolonged pause, the subway inches forward, whereupon we hear over the public intercom, the conductor yelling at the motorman, "Where you goin'?!?" Gee, THAT'S comforting! The train stops moving and we sit some more. With the doors closed.

When we finally arrive at the next stop (59th Street & Columbus Circle, still with no explanation as to the reason for the delay) there is an announcement that due to the delay, the train is now going express to 125th Street (2 stops past mine) and everyone should get off and take the next train. Did I mention that the MTA sucks?

So the next subway train arrives (a D train, normally also an express train) and everyone stands in the doorway, as if we were playing a demented game of musical chairs, waiting for an announcement as to whether the train is going local or not. The conductor never did make an announcement (naturally), but the other passengers assured us that the D was going local, whereupon I stepped in.

Welcome to late night commuting on the 8th Avenue subway line.

My scarf - I mean, just look at the thing.... although it is true that I have seen reversible scarves for sale in stores. For mine, I stitched the 2 purple drop-stitch scarves together (different purples since I only had a single ball of each) to prevent the original dark purple one from curling up from the stockinette stitch. Thus ends the saga I have posted about previously. My timing is excellent because...

This week's weather - At the beginning of the week, it was 17 degrees, with a wind chill of I-don't-wanna-know. Today it is 70 degrees. WTF?!

Returning to work - On one hand, it feels familiar to be back at the job I've had for 4+ years. On the other, it feels kind of oddly unfamiliar, since I've been out for (officially) 33 days (they count weekends!) which is the longest break I've ever had since I was 14 years old and legally registered to work.

So I've basically been working, or going to school, or going to school AND working, for the past 27 years. Gee, THAT'S a cheery thought. No wonder I was going slightly loony during my leave of absence.

Oh yeah, and my login ID to our internal admin systems (but not the network) expired during my absence, forcing me to deal with the IT help desk -- it has been outsourced to Chennai, resulting in nightmarishly bad service. (Hey, you get what you pay for.) Do not get started on THAT (still ongoing) saga...! And speaking of ongoing sagas...

TMI - When does "becoming informed" cross over into "too much information"? Obviously, I should read up at least somewhat about chemo, radiation, and other fun (not!) breast cancer stuff. However, I have discovered that I can only read either of my books (and lately I am reading the one written by the woman who's ironically both a breast cancer physician AND now a patient) for a limited amount of time before I freak out.

I have started to read up on chemo, and even though I am going to have CMF (Cyclophosphamide, Methotrexate, and Fluorouracil; the last is also known as 5-FU for short), which is somewhat flippantly referred as "chemo-lite" sometimes, the side effects (as described on this fact sheet or in my book) are still unnerving. Think about it: it is basically targeted poisoning of your body. Yum!

Well as my friend Marci pointed out, "happiness and joy" are never listed as side effects; by definition, side effects are just NOT fun. Feh. Which brings me to...

Weight gain/loss - So everyone hears about weight loss during chemo, right? Didja know that weight GAIN is also a potential side effect? This is due to a combination of factors, but the end result is that my current 7 extra lbs. may have company! Argh! Now 7 pounds may not sound like a lot, but lemme tellya that 7 pounds of fat takes up a helluva lot more space than 7 pounds of muscle (consider the amount of space a 5 lb. sack of sugar requires) and so my clothes are getting uncomfortable. Bah!

After a month of jeans and corduroys, I am now faced with business suits again, and they are much more unforgiving. The combination of enforced inactivity and stress eating is taking its toll. (Stress eating? Who? Me? Just because I'm dealing with cancer treatments, financial debt, and job insecurity due to my employer's ongoing implosion, why would I be stressed? Hey! That reminds me -- this week's paycheck , covering the past 14 days, is still not here yet!! Trusting your paycheck to the USPS -- now THERE'S stress for ya. )

Speaking of food, I'm gonna go make toast for lunch, since my boob hurts and I shouldn't take painkillers without food, but I leave you with this photo of my freezer with an 1/8 of side of beef (all free of antibiotics and hormones & to be split with my engineer when he returns from Thailand)... those white packets are double stacked, like an overly full bookcase with 2 rows of paperbacks (for a more accurate representation, check out my friend Jackie's photo of her freezer, similarly laden) since I had to cram in 40 lbs. of mooo!