Insulin

Perhaps you might all need some if I keep going on and on about Le Engineer. But darnit, I'm just happy. For once in my life, I'm not fretting about things ahead, or wondering about my faults, or feeling anxious about Where Are Things Going. I'm just plain happy, and looking forward only as far as Friday (when I see him again) and Sunday (when we might go for a picnic in Central Park if the weather is nice).

I've been told that I apparently beam -- or blush like an idiot teenager -- or something similar when I think about him, but hey, it's fun when you're 40 to be that lighthearted about this silly business.

My PoW will be pleased when I tell her that I'm just enjoying things as they are for the moment, a feeling/ability I would not have believed myself capable of if you had asked me. I'm not feeling rushed, impatient, or uncertain.

Underneath it all, I realize now that I always felt faintly (or more than faintly) unsure about my ex: when is he going to wake up and not love me? Or realize that I'm lame? Or...[fill in stupid insecurity: here]?

And I don't get that feeling with Sir Engineer. I don't know what his feelings are for me exactly (yet) -- heck, I'm not sure what my feelings are for him, except that I like him a lot (yeah, I feel like a dorky 14 year old saying that, ok?) -- but whatever they are, I'm certain his are solid and that he's not going to wake up one day and go, "What was I thinking?! Clearly I made a mistake."

And he's very patient, but he doesn't make me feel like he's being patient with me, if you see what I mean -- he's just himself.

So if I look kind of dazed here, it's not just because it's late & the webcam has hideous lighting. It could also be because I'm bemused by the state of things.

Well, that and maybe the glass of white and cocktail I had with dinner tonight (Friday is the end of Summer Restaurant Week 2008): I am such a cheap date. Apparently, all the women in my family are. Oh well.

By the way, for those of you who haven't seen me in a while, yes, that is a gigantic streak of white hair I now have, a la Bonnie Raitt. Actually, I kinda like it, but I just can't remember what it was like to have solidly black hair anymore, since there's grey everywhere now.

Oh yeah, and he drove me home again...."Wheeeee!" says the city girl.

Equilibrium

While I was looking for an interesting graphic to post as part of today's entry, I came across this close up of the inside of Sam's bowl (i.e., the bowl I made which I gave to my friend Sam for his birthday). I thought it was pretty cool, so, voila!

Sam is a really nice guy, whose mama raised him right: he sends postcards from every vacation, even if it's just a long weekend. He thanks people for inviting him to events. He's a considerate brother and uncle. And for those of you who have not met him, I think of him like the brother I never had: kind, sarcastic, and occasionally infuriating. Sounds about right, no?

Now Mr. Engineer -- him I think of as a brother in that special West Virginia, family trees don't fork, kind of way. It helps that he's smart (prerequisite), perceptive (!), funny (another prerequisite), calm (bonus), geeky (you know how that geek thing gets me), and strong enough to pretty much fling me on his bed -- I mean, carry me should I injure myself. Ahem. Yeah, that's it: just in case I need assistance. (As most of you know, I do have a tendency to wipe out occasionally, and NYC concrete is unforgiving.)

Of course, it helps that I am gradually learning to accept that I am now much slimmer than I used to be. When Sir Engineer said I was small the other week, I was completely bemused to realize that no, he was not sucking up, but that he might just be right!

I mean, according to Weight Watchers, I've now passed the 35 lb. mark, which means that in my book (the mental moment of horror when I looked at the scale last summer, saw the number, and thought, "OH SH*T! I've never weighed that much! Ever!") I've lost almost 45 lbs. Apparently I have indeed inherited at least some of my mother & sister's famous iron wills.

It's really hard to visualize that amount of weight (especially if -- as I suspect -- it's mostly in fat, and not in muscle). So I thought of 9 sacks of 5 lb. bags of sugar. Gah! Or a 4 - 5 year old child. Holy cow -- I've lost a preschooler's worth of weight! No wonder I feel more energetic these days. (I even ran a block to catch a bus and wasn't out of breath -- WTF?!) Or as Sam put it, "Hey, you wouldn't want to carry around a backpack that weighs 45 lbs. every day, would you?"

My current weight (135 ! holy freaking cow! I don't EVER remember that number! maybe, maaaaaybe, in high school?) is what I think I will keep as my WW Lifetime Goal (or whatever it's called). The deal goes something like this: as long as I stay within 2 lbs. on either side of my target weight, I get to attend WW meetings for free. Forever.

And in other positive news, Lunesta seems to be helping me with the insomnia, so I am feeling much better these days.

Tonight, I am going to risk skipping a dose since I walked (briskly) for an hour around Central Park after work. (That's 3 WW pts. --> I get to eat more food! Woohoo!) Walked from my apartment, all the way around the bridle path and reservoir (unintentionally, 'cos my directional sense sucks) back up to East 90th Street & 5th Avenue, and then back down to East 66th & 5th. If I can't sleep after THAT...

Here's a view across the reservoir, taken in Feb-2005:

A keeper

That would be Le Engineer. Even my shrink likes him.

It's amazing but true (yes, I can be really dense sometimes) but occasionally taking a chance and doing something that scares you silly can result in bringing you closer. Instead of freaking out & doing all the things that made me feel crappy a la my 2 exes, Le Engineer was entirely calm and spent time comforting me (!), trying to make ME feel better (!!), even though I was the one delivering bad news. Holy crap.

No wonder my PoW likes him.

I think I must really be getting to care for him (he said those words first -- hey, what can I say? we're both cautious people -- an engineer and a librarian: 2 raucous daredevils, that's us) since his family is going through a rough time right now, and it upsets me to know that he's hurting and I can't even give him a hug, since he's away. Phooey.

And I completely agree and understand that he'll be gone for a few days, but there is that selfish little corner that is disappointed at not being able to see him. I'll get over it. I know he'll be back...and needing a good backrub :-D

And in the opposite direction (and to spare you all from having your teeth rot) I will now share a pre-mortem photo of the dead forest which left my home this week. Yippee! There were also some more cartons around the corner. So, SO worth the $135 (incl. tax) that I paid CodeShred.

Also, one of my formerly favorite, and formerly too-tight, suits will be joining the Bottomless Closet donation pile. Ah well.

As much as I liked the suit, I dislike feeling it be all floppy on me now. (My WW leaders would be thrilled to hear me say that, not to mention my friend Margaret ;-P)

More fluffy news: went for a pedicure (oh boy did I need a professional one, as I had let me home sessions slide lately) tonight, and then had a hilarious diner dinner with my cousin P. The pedi was actually from a looong ago Xmas present from my friend Dr. Jane, and my cousin outwrestled me for the check, so tonight turned out to be Pamper Squirrelette Night. (Nice!) Oh, and the color I selected, was one which I bought for myself a long time ago: After Sex, though I was tempted by Thigh High...I figured if I have a bottle at home though, I can touch up any chips, so Essie After Sex it was.

And now, time to go take advantage of the effects of the Lunesta I took when I got home an hour ago....

Insomnia sucks

Just shoot me now.

I've been awake since 2:30am. I'm hating life, but in a more tranquil way than normal, thanks to Lunesta. While it hasn't KEPT me asleep, it HAS calmed my usual agitation at finding myself unable to sleep.

Despite having had The Health Talk that I had been dreading with Le Engineer -- who, by the way, came through with FLYING colors: I think I could grow to...really, um, er, like this guy (that other word scares the bejesus out of me) so things are going swell on that front -- but my continuing battle with insomnia has not abated.

Except for last night (not tonight) because I was up till 3am and slept till 10:25am.

Why did I have such an odd schedule on a weekday, you ask?

Well, I had scheduled CodeShred to come by and pick up the vast quantities of undealt with paper that have been haunting me for years, through 2 moves and 3 apartments. So I took off the morning of July 22nd to await them for a 7a-11am scheduled pick up.

(The following story will remind some people a bit of my friend's experiences with Sears service people.)

So I was up till 2:45am sorting through my forests of paper, and passed out by 3am, exhausted, secure in my knowledge that Danielle at the shredding company ASSURED me the drivers would call me from the stop prior to mine (ergo, I would wake up in time to admit them).

Woke up tired but unnervingly well rested...since it was 10:25am!

As you can imagine, this caused me some concern, so I called their office. After some holds & transfers, I was speaking to the dispatcher, who spoke to the driver, who informed us that he had arrived at my address @ 7am, called the number on his dispatch sheet, and gotten a greeting that I would be out of the office that morning.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

I totally blame Danielle for this mess (esp. after seeing the scribbled dispatch sheet the driver's asst. eventually showed me) and not Joe & his assistant, the 2 drivers of the mobile shredding truck. THEY were completely helpful and efficient. THEY were not the ones who put my daytime telephone number next to my HOME ADDRESS.

Eventually, I discovered (when they arrived while I was awake) that I had not heard the buzzer @ 7am becuase it is practically inaudible from the bedroom when the a/c is running, and these days, it is pretty much running any time that I am home.

So after a number of phone calls between myself, the dispatcher, Joe the driver, my doorman, my building's management office, and my office, Joe & his assistant arrived ... at 1:30pm... when I was already supposed to be in the office.

Oh well.

In any case, once they got here, they were ZIPPY. They filled up the giant bin (and I do mean filled: my crap went up to about a foot from the top) pronto, and then I got to watch all of my address & financial info be chewed up via the monitor on the side of their truck which showed the innards (which sort of reminded me of that trash compactor scene in STAR WARS...the *original* one, thank you, not the pap which followed).

So I get to the office building @ 2:10pm...and right before I go through the security turnstiles, I get a TXT msg from my niece Kim, who has turned out to be a lovely and thoughtful young woman (thankfully, since it's always a relief to actually LIKE your relatives), and who is moving to San Francisco today for 2 (or more) years. Could we have coffee now instead of our scheduled time later in the afternoon?

Suffice to say, I got to the office @ 3pm.

Cliff Notes

Well, it's been quite a while since my last post and part of it has to do with my attempt to quit logging in @ night, since that usually results in a black hole of time sucking my evenings into the inter-ether, thus resulting in less sleep.

Alas, those attempts were for naught, as I have also been suffering from sucky insomnia, resulting in waking up at all hours of the night and being unable to fall back asleep, sometimes more than once a night. This has left me, as you can imagine, exhausted and dreading bedtime.

I've tried cutting out alcohol, cutting back on caffeine (none after 12-noon), and taking Ambien (overslept & left me groggy the next day, despite 8 hrs. of sleep). I think I may need to add a regular dose of exercise back into my routine. Maybe that would help.

And tonight, I had a nice long (50-min.) Swedish/Shiatsu combo massage, combined with a paraffin foot treatment, which was a nice way to start off the evening: someone rubbing your feet prior to a massage. This continues the girly-girl trend of haircut, threading, etc. of the past weekend.

Speaking of exercise, I rejoined Weight Watchers today. Since I spent my 2 mental health days (Fri, 7/11 & Mon, 7/14) purging my closet of too-large summer clothes, I really don't want to backslide, since the new clothes added up to a bundle, despite my thrifty, only-on-sale, tactics.

Other things (to be discussed in more detail at a not so late hour): a fun 4th of July trip to DC to visit my friends Laura & Joel (not a couple, but they both work for the govt in different branches: foreign and domestic, respectively). Another fun day trip to visit my friend Walter and his partner Brian and their gorgeous home & gardens in NJ.

And finally, a brief update on things with Le Engineer: so far, so good. :-) In fact, he is cooking me dinner tomorrow night @ his place in Jersey City. More ruminating at some other hour, but suffice to say, he is doing things right so far: attentive, gentlemanly (but not too much so, ahem), funny (in a way that I find funny, an idiosyncratic thing, I know) and most importantly, he seems to really dig ME. (yay!)

To paraphrase what my wise friend Margaret once said, the first criteria for me finding a man interesting is that he finds ME intriguing.

Okay, more babblings another time. Right now it's time to try for an uninterrupted night of sleep! Argh.