Chemo brain

That's what I'm going to blame last week's brain f*rt on, since I can't believe I was so stupid. Well, at least I haven't gotten a call from HR yet this week (and I'm hoping I never will...) so I'll just keep my fingers crossed.

But yes, there are scientific studies done on the cognitive effects of chemotherapy, and the side effects include "impaired decision-making" and "increased forgetfulness" (as in: mid-sentence). So yeah, other patients have come up with wryly descriptive terms such as "chemo fog" or "chemo brain" -- you get the idea.

Oh well. Here's hoping I don't do anything similarly stupid for the remaining portion of my treatment.

Speaking of the joys of breast cancer -- yes, I say that facetiously, but really, I am always being amazed by the kindness and generosity of my friends, from going with me to the hospital trip after trip, to offering to feed or grocery shop for me, or just checking in to see how I'm doing, I'm frequently left feeling, "Aaawww... you guys rock. *sniffle* Really."

Today for example I was stunned when my friend Helen, who now lives overseas, quietly donated $250 to my AvonWalk account! I mean, I hadn't even asked her yet for money! Jeez. Thank you, Helen!

Yes, we now bring you to the pledge drive portion of my year, since I signed up to participate in the NYC Avon Walk for Breast Cancer this October, and must therefore raise $1,800 in order to fulfill my requirements to participate. (This is in addition to the $65 registration fee I paid in order to legitimately ask you all for moolah.) I will be walking 26 - 39 miles over the course of 2 days in October., with the course covering all of NYC, just like the marathon, except without the traffic lanes being blocked off.

So yes, you're all about to get (or have just received) a panhandling e-mail from me explaining how the money goes not just for research, but also to help the uninsured afford breast cancer treatment (I never knew that part). Consider: my surgery + chemo + radiation = somewhere around US$100K (!!!)

Of course, if you want to bypass all of the semi-shameless begging, you can just go directly to my Avon Walk donation page. ;-)

And the fact that the next knitting project I want to do is modeled in pink is purely coincidental! Honest! It's called "pleat-neck top" (see left) from the spring/summer 2009 issue of KnitSimple. Since the gauge is 20, I could conceivably finish it, perhaps even using the Tahki Willow I frogged from a previous tank top. Since that one was in garter stitch, I'm sure I'll have enough for this one. And although the stated gauge for Tahki Willow is 18, I knit tightly, so I'll have to sctually swatch (!) and see if I knit 20.

In the meantime, I am trundling along on my Lion Micro-Spun baby sweater. The back and fronts are knit all in one piece, and the instructions for "comfy color cardi" are practically incomprehensible, due to all of their corrections, so I'm just working off of their schematic.

Also, I'm planning on changing the collar from V-neck to "regular" or Peter Pan or whatchamacallit, so the schematic diagram is really just a jumping off point, especially since I'll be making it with 4 colors instead of 3, since the pattern calls for their organic cotton, which is thicker than Micro-Spun.

Please note my clever/embarrassed disguise for the Modern Bride bag I received from the Project Bridesmaid people. The bag is made of nice, heavy card stock (or whatever you call it -- oh yeah, did I mention chemo sometimes also interferes with verbal skills?) but there was NO WAY that I'd walk around with a bag screaming "Modern Bride"... Now it just looks like it's some random magazine/store named "Modern" eh?

25 Watts

So I did something so incredibly stupid I wonder if I'll be fired. Going into any further details here would only compound the problem, so it will have to remain vague.

If you really want the gory details, you can call me (after work hours! I can hardly take about it HERE) and I can fill you in. But really, this is a case of a smart person doing something dumb, as opposed to if I were just a permanently dim bulb.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

My brain is apparently as melty and gooey as the Langres cheese I had this weekend at my sweetie's (which I also posted about last year).

And best of all, (besides waiting for the other shoe to drop) I know that stress is bad for my already weakened immune system. Ironic, eh? "Be calm" etc. doesn't really help when you're waiting to see if you'll get a call from HR and if your other co-workers will figure out whodunnit. At least I've already had the closed-door-meeting-with-my-boss bright and early this morning.

My only sources of comfort are:
(a) perhaps they have bigger fish to fry,
(b) I hear there are now subsidized COBRA payments for the unemployed,
(c) maybe they won't figure out who the moron was
(d) I can't do anything about it now, as my assistant manager points out

Freakin' idiot

Tristate trifecta

So it occurs to me that I am now very behind in the news updates. Therefore, it seems only appropriate to start off with a photo of a 3 year old project (as my older greatnephew Thomas will be 3 on April 3rd -- incidentally, also the date of my next chemo, but more on THAT later

Yes, this blankie was one of my first major projects, completed with the assistance of my mom, who could not stand watching me slowly seam the squares together (she is very zippy in all things sewing). It is now in my younger greatnewphew Nicky's room at my sister's house, ready to be thrashed and drooled upon. Excellent! (Since it is made of Plymouth Encore and cotton backing, I have faith in its durability.)

So while I was at my sister's home in CT last weekend, having a lovely leisurely brunch with the other "kids" (2 of whom are married with children now, so child-free time with just the four of us is very precious, and thus, my post-1st-chemo request: they asked, and this was all I wanted) I took the opportunity to finally visit the LYS in Greenwich.

And a good thing I did too, as it turns out The Knitting Niche will be closing. Didn't know that's why they were having a 20% - 5% sale. I just thought it was end of winter clearance. So how could I resist 2 hanks of Elsebeth Lavold angora (91 yds/ea.) for a mere $5 per hank?! (I would have bought more, but they only had 2 left, darnit.)

I grabbed the yarn (the other ball is a deliciously soft Filatura Di Crosa Zarina Baby Print, also on sale for 20% off $9) and a pair of size 13 circulars to start on a fluffy scarf for my sweetie's friend Patty, whose 50th birthday dinner is here in Jersey City today. Since I knit tightly, and that defeats the purpose of supersoft yarn, I thought I'd go in the other direction and knit deliberately loose and lacy.

After several ripped out attempts/trials, I settled on a combination of stockinette, garter, and dropped stitch. And to fancy it up (it is, after all, the big 5-0) I decided to add a beaded fringe to each end, both to give a nice weight for when you wrap the scarf around your neck, and perhaps to eke out another inch of two (one more hank of angora would've been nice) from the finished 5 foot length.

What do you think? I couldn't decide which color beads to use (blue, green, or red), or where to place them (edge/fringe, or near each end), so my engineer suggested alternating blue and green beads, with alternating lengths. (Yes, I am one of the few women who regularly consults straight men for design tips. Not a great stylist am I.)

The avocado on the left here was simply lying around my sister's kitchen counter, and I thought it looked abstract, funny, and vaguely lewd, so of course, I snapped a shot. Heh.

And the crispy crunchy snacks on the right were my variation of a WW recipe. Using egg roll wrappers (less doughy, and therefore, less points), you dice up some Canadian bacon, cheese, and scallions, and bake them after a spritz of cooking spray in each side, or in my case, the olive oil mister. Flip halfway through at about 8 minutes and voila! Crunchy chewy snacks at 2 pts each.

You can bet I'll be trying variations thereof, especially since I now have an entire package of wrappers in the freezer.


Yes, I will be looking for all sorts of cooked food recipes, since I learned this week that I will be having not 6, but a total of EIGHT chemo treatments. Aaaaaahhhh!!! This brings my scheduled finish date from June 5th all the way to July 17th. Double aaaaaahhhh!!! So after a 3 week hiatus, my "5 or 6 weeks" of radiation treatments will start in August, and end somewhere in mid-September. AAAAHHHH!!!

So yeah, this will be My Year of Cancer. I will be living on CST: Cancer Standard Time, as one article in the New York Times so memorably put it. Pretty much, most of my year, and most of my thoughts revolve around cancer: treatment, side effects, restrictions, and other fun things.

Two of my friends will have 9 months of similar symptoms (weight gain, nausea, restricted diets) for pretty much the same dates, but they'll be getting plump little babies out of the deal. I'll merely be cancer free. (Not a small thing I know, but still, I think you see what I mean.)

My mom has also done the math, and after a further 5 years of tamoxifen, she now realizes: no more grandchildren are in her future. She is bummed, but gradually getting used to the idea. I reminded her: health first, kids can always be adopted (as my fabulous engineer was). So okay, we don't plan on kids, but I gotta give the woman a little bit of (false) hope, ya know?

I leave you all with a shot of the lovely tulips my nephew bought for me last weekend.

Family Time

Hey, it's been a whole week since my last post. Well, I did have the flu over the weekend, for the first time in 3 or 4 years (I guess they really meant it about the weakened immune system, huh?). That kinda wiped me out for a few days, and resulted in me taking Monday off from work.

At first I thought it was something I ate, but then when my whole body ached, and I was chilled, and then feverish, and then chilled, well...the little 25W bulb above my head did go off. I mean "food borne illness" as they call it, would (a) also result in the rest of my sister's family being ill (which they weren't), and (b) probably not result in me wearing 2 pairs of socks, corduroys, a shirt, a sweater, and a fleece jacket -- while curled up in a fetal position on my sister's couch under TWO blankets -- and still feeling cold.

I wonder if it was baby Nicky's cold I got? But even if it was, how could I be mad at my ridiculously cute younger great-nephew? I mean, look at that face!

Okay, more later. Lunch time is OVAH.

No! Not the grapefruit!

So I finally read my way through one of the patient education booklets from MSKCC while on my way work this morning (I do, after all, have 16 subway stops between me and the office), and according to Breast Cancer: A Road to a Healthier Lifestyle, I cannot have grapefruit while on tamoxifen...FIVE YEARS! AGH!!!

Maybe I can sneak in a few during the radiation treatment phase, if I don't start the tamoxifen during that portion yet...dunno...WAH!

But you know how as soon as someone tells you that you can't have/think of something, it becomes all you want to eat/think about? GRAPEFRUIT. And its relatives...the pumelo (I have 2 in my fridge I'll have to bequeath upon someone...)

So today I drown my sorrows in my leftover mango from yesterday (our undercounter pantry fridge is packed these days, despite the layoffs) and my giant glass jug of water (thank you, Bed Bath & Beyond...$7.99!) which holds 52 fl. oz. That should fulfill most of my daily requirements of 8 glasses.

Now while it's a general good health guideline, when on chemo, it is a directive, since it helps flush the chemicals out of your body. Likewise, an enzyme in the grapefruit somehow prevents the chemicals from exiting, so people on certain meds can never have it. Ever. (Oh the horror...) But...but... FIVE YEARS! Argh!

Okay, I am going to go sniffle now and wash my lunch dishes (homemade beef veggie soup w/ 7-grain bread). And when I say sniffle, I mean it: one of the odd side effects of CMF is that some of the olfactory cilia (i.e., nose hair) falls out, and this results in runny noses, even if you are not sick. (It also lowers your defenses against germs, but that's a whole 'nother issue.)

Time to go gnash my teeth on some salted plums or something. BAH! Feh! And phooey!

Pucker up

So today was unseasonably warm, delightfully so. I mean, is it normal to reach a high of 64 degrees on March 18th? In any case, this encouraged me to walk a bit during lunch, and also after work. (Well, the weather and the fact that my gorgeous new suits -- gifts received in October -- are becoming precariously tight, if not occasionally downright painfully uncomfortable. Bleh!)

Coincidentally, I have experienced a craving for tart/tangy/salty foods lately (and not just gooey, fudge-y cakes), so I combined the two (craving for bizarre foods + walking weather) for a stroll through Chinatown after work, stopping off at the venerable Kam Man Foods on Canal Street.

You see before you the partial results of my snack attack supply run: crystallized ginger, preserved kumquats with lemon, dried orange peel, and salted preserved plums. (I also bought pistachios and dried apricots, but you've all seen those before, so, no pic.)

Coincidentally, I am currently listening to Jackie Chan sing the theme song -- in Mandarin -- to a Jet Li movie while I type this. (Yes, Jackie is also a Cantopop star in Asia. Dig it, baby.) Clearly I have made a detour into the strange and random this evening.

Unfortunately, once inside Kam Man (and demonstrating why you should NEVER GO FOOD SHOPPING WHILE HUNGRY) I, er, also succumbed to something which I have forbidden my mother to ever give me, for I will eat the entire bag at a sitting: Calbee (Baked) Shrimp-Flavored Chips. As the ad for another brand says, an open bag is an empty bag. (*urp*) Welcome to tonight's dinner. And did I mention the Hostess cupcake I had for dessert? Many, many demerits for me.

I guess this completely counteracts my healthy eating for the rest of the day, such as the 7-grain bread with all-natural peanut butter which was my afternoon snack, the organic whole grain (frozen) waffle with maple syrup and Smart Balance ersatz butter which was breakfast, and the homemade chicken salad sandwich with a side of Stonyfield lowfat lemon yogurt for lunch, topped off with a gargantuan fruit salad from the street cart (whoops -- I only just realized that was a no-no. D'oh!) which you see in part here -- I'd already picked off all of the red fruits: seedless grapes, strawberries, watermelon.

Hmmm...a debate for the MSKCC dietitian: healthy foods prepared at a street cart -- yea or nay?

You are getting sleeeepy...

Poor mom -- she asked me to go visit last night to take care of some mail for her. Here is the exciting schedule of my visit:

5:30 - arrive
5:45 - nap
6:30 - dinner
7:30 - nap, until...
10:00 - give up and just go to sleep for the night until...
5:20 - "Hmmm...I can sleep for almost another 2 hours! YES!"
7:10 - alarm goes off

Such was the wild and zany evening I had last night.

Did I also mention that I had napped for 30 min. during lunch yesterday? We have a cot in an empty office which we use for invalids: chemo refugees, flu victims (don't worry -- the last one was weeks ago, so I shouldn't get anything)...

Tonight's main agenda items are (a) buying salted plums (see above) which help with nausea (you hear that pregnant lady friends?) and (b) 6pm info meeting for the NYC Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in October, held appropriately enough, at the Cancer Care building downtown.

Hopefully, I will remain awake enough to watch Dancing With the Stars afterward...ah, the little things in life.

And now, I leave you all with a little food porn in honor of St. Paddy's Day, brought to you by my boss (homemade soda bread muffins) and my coworker Mike's wife (that'd be Mrs. Hennessy to you all) with her famous soda bread -- we ask for it every year (we're shameless that way) and slather it with buuuuutter... mmmm....

Round The Clock

So this morning I was supposed to go see WATCHMEN with my friend Sam, during the 11:00am show, for we are cheap, and decline to pay $12 to see a movie, when we can pay $6 to see a weekend show which starts before 12:00. (AMC has this bargain matinee gimmick in Manhattan, but because it's become so popular, especially with the cratering of the economy, they've cut down the number of shows before noon, sometimes eliminating them altogether.)

But at 10:00am, I still felt like roadkill, so I called Sam, bailed, and promptly fell asleep for another 3 hours, resulting in a 12 hour round of snoozing. Yay!

This spectacular demonstration of lethargy is in direct contrast to the zippy boat ride photo sent to me by my sweetie last week. He was in one of these boats, taking a long tail boat tour on the river in Bangkok, when the driver of his boat got into a race with the driver of this boat. Considering the amount of traffic on the river, this thrilled him not at all, poor fella.

You can get a sense of the speed from this photo, and this You Tube video, and you can get a sense of the amount of traffic (!) from this You Tube video.

And now we bring you back to our regularly scheduled medical tours of me: no-no foods for the duration of chemo. Due to the interactions between the chemicals (i.e., targeted toxins coursing through your body, but toxins nonetheless) and various antioxidants, enzymes, and multivitamins, I have been instructed to basically eat like a pregnant woman (i.e., avoid all things which could make me sick) but hopefully without gaining the tonnage associated with pregnancy.

AVOID:

• raw sushi (noooo...not SUSHI!)
  
• deli salad bars
• grapefruit (oranges I can skip, but I love grapefruit!)
• multivitamins
• cranberry extract
• vitamins C, E, and B+ (folic acide)
• restaurant salads (homemade, by people you know, salads are OK)
• flaxseed
• pomegranate
• street food
• unpasteurized foods (mmm...raw cheeses...sigh)
• ibuprofen
• NSAIDs (Aleve, etc.)
• aspirin (Excedrin, etc.) -- only Tylenol is on my foreseeable future
  
• protein/granola basr with "soy protein isolate"
  (goodbye beloved Kashi bars! aloha Nutri-grain berry & nut bars! the Nutrigrain cereal bars, I hate anyway)
  

MINIMIZE:

• soy/tofu - scraps in say, an occasional order of tofu chow fun, is okay; an entree of braised bean curd = no
• 1 serving of wine/week, max
• dried cranberries
• red meat - an if any, then well done only
  

In short, any uninvited parasites which your body can normally shrug off is not such a simple case when your immunity is down. We'll see what the MSKCC dietitian has to say when I meet with her on Thursday. For all I know, there are ven MORE contraband items. And then of course, I haven't even finished reading the MSKCC pamphlets, and have to re-read some other breast cancer nutrition ones from God's Love We Deliver.

But right now, I can't believe that I am so exhausted that I am going to go back to bed. I've been awake for all of 2 hours!

To The Left, To The Left

Boy, do I hate that Beyonce song, but I gotta admit, it's sort of appropriate, since last night was the first time since LAST YEAR that I was able to sleep on my left side. As I am a side sleeper, the past few months have been rather restrictive in terms of sleep positions. I've even resorted to [gasp!] sleeping on my back.

Of course, this new change was perhaps related to the fact that I got up FOUR times during the night to go, er, powder my nose. Apparently my kidneys were working overtime to get rid of the many chemicals coursing through my body, so I finally gave up trying to sleep around 6:30am.

Yesterday's CMF chemotherapy cocktail consisted of:

1. cyclophosphamide, a/k/a Cytoxan
   
2. methotrexate, a/k/a Mexate
   
3. fluorouracil ("5-FU" or 5-fluorouracil), a/k/a Adrucil
   

There is a bewildering variety of methods and schedules for administering CMF, but I am on "Schedule C" (if you follow the CMF link above, as opposed to the individual drug links) which consists of one continuous IV dose every 3 weeks.

Mercifully, yesterday chemo nurse was wonderfully skilled in IV insertions, since it went into a vein on the top of my right hand (due to the lymph node biopsy, for the rest of my life, all blood pressure readings and any injections will have to be taken/done on my RIGHT side), and it could have thus hurt like hell. I [heart] her!



(By the way, the photo on the right is the Royal Orchid Sheraton in Bangkok, where my sweetie stayed last week. Spiffy looking, eh? He'll be staying somewhere else in Bangkok next week, on his way back. I miss him... but hope he's having a splendid time with his diving compadres in the middle of the Gulf of Thailand. He deserves his Calgon time! And now we leave the eye candy e-mailed to me by my engineer before he flew off to Ko Samui, and bring you back to our regularly scheduled medical mess.)

Just call me The Human Pincushion, since I've been poked at continuously since December, and will continue to be a target until July. Here's what my chemo Fridays will consist of, if yesterday was any gauge:

• 10:15 - check in at reception & get a blood test -- if my white blood cell counts are too low, treatment will be postponed; the blood techs poke the tip of your finger with a little pin, and not a use a hypodermic to get a vein, but this didn't really help since apparently the callous on my index finger made it hard to get the required amount of blood, and the tech squeezed my finger like a lemon (repeatedly!) in order to get enough blood...OW!!! If you think a tiny cut shouldn't hurt that much, YOU try squeezing blood out of one instead of staunching it.
  
• 10:30 - I meet with the oncologist (i.e., get called in and wait, while my sister flips through magazines in the waiting room) & get weighed -- I guess in the next visits we'll discuss blood test results, but the first week is a baseline meeting, since I haven't had my chemo-cocktail yet; she reviewed the results of my OncoType test with me, and tells me that my 16 score is on the high end of the low risk group (18 is the cutoff for the low risk category) -- Oooh! I forgot: I will part of a clinical study tracking chemo results! (i.e., my statistics will go into a vast pool of data) Yay for helping out other women!
  
• 11:20 - check in at the chemo desk -- like an a la carte restaurant, this initiates my "made to order meal" since the drugs are only drawn/ dispensed after you check in THERE, and the dosages are based on your weight, etc. I am informed the wait will be 45-60 min. My sister and I take the opportunity to dash outside and run errands: I go to a nearby library to grab an audiobook (no knitting, what with all of the needles) and she buys us sandwiches...thank gawd!
• 12:00 - check back in at the chemo desk -- no news as to ETA; we gobble down our lunches in the waiting area, along with lots of other patients.
• 12:45 - get called in to the chemo lounge -- that's what they call the set of little rooms where chemo is administered; each room has a sliding door, in case you want privacy, an easy chair, a visitor's chair, and a nurse's desk & chair
• 1:00 - the chemo nurse sets up the drip -- and pushes through the first 2 of the 3 drugs -- literally, she squeezes them down the IV tube -- but the 3rd drug is set to automatically drip in, along with a big ol' bag of saline [fluids, fuilds, and more fluids to help flush things through my system]; it's very funky to FEEL the cold medications flowing through my veins, I mean: have you ever FELT where your veins are INSIDE your body?!
• 2:30 - I'm done! -- my sister eventually gets someone to come and unhook me and we flee; we're so excited we leave without me remembering to pick up my anti-nausea meds (porchlorperazine, a/k/a Compazine -- also used as an anti-psychotic! bonus!) Whoops! BOY, was I sorry later that night in CT! Not gonna make THAT mistake next time. Went off to Duane Reade tonight and got them after my niece drove me back to the city.
• 3:00 - we hit the road and head for CT -- not surprisingly, I fall asleep in the car
  

Speaking of sleepy & done, I was going to include the mindbogglingly long list foods that are now VERBOTEN, but I am so pooped (and ITCHY -- damn, that's a side effect they didn't warn me about! ) that it will have to wait till tomorrow.

Hold That Thought

So today was my first chemo and it went okay. My sister (the fabulous looking woman you see here -- would you believe that she's in her late fifties in that photos? I thought not) came from CT to sit with me... from 10:00 to 3:00.

It being a bit late right now, I wil simply say that details will be forthcoming tomorrow, but just wanted to let y'all know I'm fine and currently ensconced in their lovely home in green, leafy Connecticut.

B the way, the window to my sister's right (the viewer's left) has since been renovated out of existence (heh) kinda like what we're aiming to do to any stray cancer cells.

Okay, ciao for now! More manana. Time for bed.

Porcupines

What can I say? Doesn't this little guy deserve pride of place tonight? I mean, ain't he a cheery little soul? And such a creative use of those Pocky-like cracker-cookies! As soon as I saw this tonight, I thought: Cake Wrecks! I will be oh so proud if my humble submission is accepted.

Ironically, I saw it while on my way home from the gym. Yes, it was time, LONG past time -- more like: the first visit in 4 months! Okay, okay, so part of that time I was verboten from doing silly things like exercising, but still, the 10 lbs. I gained (yes, I'm up to 10) since attaining my goal weight have been decidedly uncomfortable when I wear business attire. Ouch.

Didn't do anything too strenuous (not going to undo all of that arduous healing!) but I have to get moving. Plus exercise also helps me de-stress. So I did 30 minutes on the elliptical (at an easier pace than my previous "normal") and then, because I wanted to see the end of the episode of NCIS I was watching (c'mon, you know I like those men-with-guns shows!) I moved over to a treadmill and walked at a leisurely pace for the last 10 minutes of the episode.

Tonight's episode has Ralph Waite -- better known as Pa Walton! -- on as Gibbs' dad (Mark Harmon's character) and darn if he wasn't as warm and fuzzy as always. And he looked pretty good too (especially for 81!) just like you'd want your ganddad to look like. I was talking the other week with someone (I forget who -- sorry, whoever it is) and we agreed that Mark Harmon has aged a bit this year -- well, duh! Didn't realize that he's 57 now. But MAN was he a hottie when the show started. (Hey, I still wouldn't kick him outta bed [not like that's ever a remote possibility, esp. since he will be married to Pam Dawber -- yes, Mindy of Mork fame -- for 22 years on the 21st] since he's still pretty darn tasty looking in my book.)

Speaking of bed, can I just say (sorry guys -- it's a girl thing coming up) how SICK I AM of having to wear a bra to bed every night for the past 3 months?! First during recovery from the biopsy, and now to recover from the lumpectomy. AGH! But until my scar/incision heals more solidly (it's still a bit tenuous at the moment) on it stays, 24/7, to minimize jostling of the girls.

I know, I know -- it could always be worse: one of my friends, who's the mother of 2 young 'uns, told me she had to wear her bra for a year straight, what with nursing, etc. (Well that particular issue will not arise for me, especially after early menopause due to my upcoming 5 years of tamoxifen.<--(that link will open Windows Media Player, by the way)

So onto more goofy topics... like the pottery pugs to the left. WTF?! Saw this at the HousingWorks Thrift Shop in Chelsea and was... AWED. (Or is that afraid?) It was almost -- not quite, but almost -- worth getting as a gag gift because it was so hideous, and less than $20. (For less than $5 I would've done it.) I think it's supposed to be a wine bottle or candle holder. Or something. I thought it would molder around on the shelves, but boy was I glad I snapped a photo with my cellphone, because a HUGE guy in a black leather jacket promptly bought it. (Well, it is Chelsea after all.)

And finally, speaking of Chelsea scenery, here is a lovely, restful iron gate on my friend Sam's block. Kinda reminds me of Tom Otterness' work (i.e., the guy who made those disturbing yet oddly appealing statues on the 14th Street 8th Avenue subway station).

Appropriately enough, I will now leave you with, um, this man-in-the-moon type image since it is LONG past time for me to go to sleep. (Put it this way: Conan should be wrapping up about now.)

Fairy godmothers

So today, my friend Ellen and I went to Project Bridesmaids which was sponsored by Modern Bride magazine. (Fear not -- I don't read it for fun or because I have Big News; I found the event here on Facebook for some reason.)

In return for donating your gently used bridesmaid gown, you get a goodie bag and a warm glow in your heart at the knowledge that your dress has gone off to make some high school girl's day for prom season 2009 as part of a Planet Hope program.

Sorry, Margaret, but the red Bill Levkoff dress has left the building. Well, it's left MY building at any rate.

[Backstory for those of you who don't already know it: I was one of my friend Margaret's 2 bridesmaids last February, wearing the red dress to the left. However, there were some logistical issues, since I had lost 20 or 30 lbs. between the time we had ordered the dress and the actual wedding, so that it literally fell off my body when I tried it on. Whoops. This resulted in many angst-ridden conferences with professional tailors, Margaret, and ultimately: Mom came to the rescue and altered the dress for me, removing two of the four shoulder straps along the way, per my request. I also used leftover scraps from the dress to make a knitting project bag. If you're curious, here is what the dress is actually supposed to look like.]

Ironically, my dress (along with its many adopted siblings above) may come full circle and wind up at the Frederick Douglass Academy, which is not too far from my home.

And it was fun to see how excited some of the girls got when they scored a dress that made them giddy with delight. Note for example, the young lady to the right who found this pink feathered number (feel free to click on the photo for an enlargement of the insanely detailed bodice... or not).

She was so excited that she immediately called her friend, who was presumably somewhere on the other side of the ballroom since she was holding up her loot to show it off. I bet she'll probably look cute in it, but Ellen's comment that somewhere there was at one point an entire group of grown women who wore this gown... well, I have 2 words for that: The FEAR!

Hmmm...upon reflection, I do believe that it may be the same shade as the April 1990 number I wore for my cousin Eileen's wedding. You may remember that I noted my meringue-like number will serve me well if I ever decide to go as Glinda the Good Witch of the North for any future Halloween parties.

In any case, I distributed various freebies from the goodie bag when I was out at dinner tonight with my friend Sarah and several of her friends. Except for the current issue of Modern Bride (weighing in at almost 2 lbs. -- ouch) which no one wanted (shocking... not), the following items found new homes:

• deck of cards (went to my friend Sam, Sarah's brother)
  
• 2 bottles of Elizabeth Arden's "Pretty" perfume (went to Sarah's friends Wei and Robin)
  
• 1 trial size bottle of some frou frou conditioner (went to Sarah, since she's visiting for the weekend --> travel size)
  
• 1 large Swarovski teardop crystal (Sarah's 2-3 year old niece Lucy will love her "princess crystal"!)
• 1 tube of some facial highlighter (some kind of cosmetic thingie, don't ask me -- went to Wei)
  

I kept the Cuisinart cookbook, Simple & Enticing Recipe Book, along with several tubes of Maybelline lip gloss, and a $100 coupon to a spa. Of course, if they're giving away $100 coupons, this makes me afraid to look up the cost of their services.

Speaking of fear, since tonight is the time change (don't forget to spring forward folks!) I'd better go to bed, but first, some belated RTBT:

1. my engineer has landed safely in Bangkok
   
2. he has scheduled a few days to get over jet lag (high altitude) before he goes diving (very LOW altitude)
   
3. my red dress is going to a good home
4. free cookbook!
5. free lip gloss!
   
6. watching the girl with the pink feathered dress was fun
7. it was 70 degrees today
8. got to see my friend Sarah, who lives in Boston
9. will get too see Sarah for brunch too...unless I'm too tired!
   

Okay, now I really need to get to bed.

Schizoid

Apologies in advance to all of the PC police I am about to offend by using the term schizoid for today's theme, but it does seem so appropriate. (And apologies for my vaguely whining tone -- ugh!) For example:

Last night's subway ride home - It was after 11pm and the A train (normally an express) runs on the local track, which is where I would take the C train to go home. So after leaving Jackie's place to go home, Marci and I are sitting on the A train in the 50th Street station, where the subway has stopped for several minutes, for some undisclosed reason.

Finally, the doors close, and after a prolonged pause, the subway inches forward, whereupon we hear over the public intercom, the conductor yelling at the motorman, "Where you goin'?!?" Gee, THAT'S comforting! The train stops moving and we sit some more. With the doors closed.

When we finally arrive at the next stop (59th Street & Columbus Circle, still with no explanation as to the reason for the delay) there is an announcement that due to the delay, the train is now going express to 125th Street (2 stops past mine) and everyone should get off and take the next train. Did I mention that the MTA sucks?

So the next subway train arrives (a D train, normally also an express train) and everyone stands in the doorway, as if we were playing a demented game of musical chairs, waiting for an announcement as to whether the train is going local or not. The conductor never did make an announcement (naturally), but the other passengers assured us that the D was going local, whereupon I stepped in.

Welcome to late night commuting on the 8th Avenue subway line.

My scarf - I mean, just look at the thing.... although it is true that I have seen reversible scarves for sale in stores. For mine, I stitched the 2 purple drop-stitch scarves together (different purples since I only had a single ball of each) to prevent the original dark purple one from curling up from the stockinette stitch. Thus ends the saga I have posted about previously. My timing is excellent because...

This week's weather - At the beginning of the week, it was 17 degrees, with a wind chill of I-don't-wanna-know. Today it is 70 degrees. WTF?!

Returning to work - On one hand, it feels familiar to be back at the job I've had for 4+ years. On the other, it feels kind of oddly unfamiliar, since I've been out for (officially) 33 days (they count weekends!) which is the longest break I've ever had since I was 14 years old and legally registered to work.

So I've basically been working, or going to school, or going to school AND working, for the past 27 years. Gee, THAT'S a cheery thought. No wonder I was going slightly loony during my leave of absence.

Oh yeah, and my login ID to our internal admin systems (but not the network) expired during my absence, forcing me to deal with the IT help desk -- it has been outsourced to Chennai, resulting in nightmarishly bad service. (Hey, you get what you pay for.) Do not get started on THAT (still ongoing) saga...! And speaking of ongoing sagas...

TMI - When does "becoming informed" cross over into "too much information"? Obviously, I should read up at least somewhat about chemo, radiation, and other fun (not!) breast cancer stuff. However, I have discovered that I can only read either of my books (and lately I am reading the one written by the woman who's ironically both a breast cancer physician AND now a patient) for a limited amount of time before I freak out.

I have started to read up on chemo, and even though I am going to have CMF (Cyclophosphamide, Methotrexate, and Fluorouracil; the last is also known as 5-FU for short), which is somewhat flippantly referred as "chemo-lite" sometimes, the side effects (as described on this fact sheet or in my book) are still unnerving. Think about it: it is basically targeted poisoning of your body. Yum!

Well as my friend Marci pointed out, "happiness and joy" are never listed as side effects; by definition, side effects are just NOT fun. Feh. Which brings me to...

Weight gain/loss - So everyone hears about weight loss during chemo, right? Didja know that weight GAIN is also a potential side effect? This is due to a combination of factors, but the end result is that my current 7 extra lbs. may have company! Argh! Now 7 pounds may not sound like a lot, but lemme tellya that 7 pounds of fat takes up a helluva lot more space than 7 pounds of muscle (consider the amount of space a 5 lb. sack of sugar requires) and so my clothes are getting uncomfortable. Bah!

After a month of jeans and corduroys, I am now faced with business suits again, and they are much more unforgiving. The combination of enforced inactivity and stress eating is taking its toll. (Stress eating? Who? Me? Just because I'm dealing with cancer treatments, financial debt, and job insecurity due to my employer's ongoing implosion, why would I be stressed? Hey! That reminds me -- this week's paycheck , covering the past 14 days, is still not here yet!! Trusting your paycheck to the USPS -- now THERE'S stress for ya. )

Speaking of food, I'm gonna go make toast for lunch, since my boob hurts and I shouldn't take painkillers without food, but I leave you with this photo of my freezer with an 1/8 of side of beef (all free of antibiotics and hormones & to be split with my engineer when he returns from Thailand)... those white packets are double stacked, like an overly full bookcase with 2 rows of paperbacks (for a more accurate representation, check out my friend Jackie's photo of her freezer, similarly laden) since I had to cram in 40 lbs. of mooo!

Vicarious thrills

Okay, I take absolutely no credit for this photo. My sweetie, the engineer, sent it to me from his hotel room in Bangkok, after his transcontinental odyssey there via a connection in Taipei. I think it is a FABULOUS view.

It reminds me that I should really finish reading the last 3 entries of my friend Tam's blog, re: her trip last June to this region of the world.

Okay, off to go knit with my pals Jackie and Marci. Ciao!

As the Squirrel Turns

Remember that heirloom chicken I roasted, my very first roast chiecken ever? Well, I am finally getting around to turning it into stock., also a first attempt for me. Yes, I know, I may be asking for trouble... or as my friend Ellen (a/k/a "EG" - pronounced "Eege") puts it, my kitchen is a lab! But I figure simmer it for 3 hours should make it safe, right? Right? Umm...

Anyway, today was my first day back at the office, where I found that (a) I had a mere 971 messages in my inbox, and (b) my out of office message was not functioning properly while I was out for 33 days... great: there are now people out there thinking that I am beyond slow in getting back to them. Phooey. Well, at least by the end of the day, I had wrestled my inbox to a more manageable size of 226 messages awaiting my attention tomorrow.

Yep, my co-workers were all happy to see me back, poor souls, since not only were they shorthanded with my absence, but then one of them went on a long-scheduled vacation with his wife (plane tickets were involved, etc.). OK, to review: so our department was originally 12, and then slashed down to 7 in December, but one person went on maternity leave in January (sub-total: 6). Then I went on disability leave in February (running total: 5) and another person went on vacation last week, so they were down to FOUR people until I came back today. Ouch!

Of course, we are still waiting for the other shoe to drop, since we know that another round of layoffs is somewhere in our future, and as my co-worker Dennis so helpfully pointed out, the last 2 rounds occurred on the Monday after a payday. Today was payday... but my paycheck has yet to show up: when an employee goes on disability leave, their direct deposit is stopped and is replaced by paper paychecks! (Because as we all know, when you're home ill, that's when you want to trudge to the bank to deposit / cash your check, right? Right.) In theory, they mailed it out to me on Monday. In practice, it's not here yet! A girl could get paranoid.

And in other dramatic developments (well, I exaggerate for the sake of living up to the title of this post: remember the soap ATWT?) I received the results of my OncoTypeDX test back yesterday. And after reading it through 3 or 4 times, all I have to say is: "Umm.. HUH?" (The informational video by the lab/manufacturer is not very helpful either.) The results are sort of confusing, but I guess they're reasonably good... I think.

I'll have to confirm my understanding with the oncologist next Friday, but it seems my recurrence score of 16 indicates I have a 16% likelihood of having breast cancer again within 10 years; this is classified on their chart as in the high end of the low risk category (low risk = scores of 0 to 18). Personally, I'd prefer a SINGLE DIGIT SCORE, thank you. Oh well.

It appears that with radiation (5 weeks) and tamoxifen (5 years) and chemo (18 weeks), the recurrence score can be reduced from 16 to 10, so chemo it is. Obviously taking any of the 3 items out of that combo would change the recurrence score in the wrong direction. Hence, the oncologist's comment on February 20th that it would have to be an unusually low score on the test to get her to recommend against chemo, and yeah, I'd have to agree. Since I'd rather have a 10% chance (vs. a 16% chance) of travelling down this loathsome road again, I'm going to opt for the chemo.

I know the specific chemical cocktail I'll be imbibing for chemo, but that's a post for another time. Bleh.

Now, it's time for me to go inspect the progress of my chicken broth.

Time's up!

So today was my last day of disability leave, which is just as well, since it was also the day that my engineer left for his long delayed diving trip in the Gulf of Thailand. Originally scheduled for August, he moved it to March when his dad went into the hospital. (His dad is much better nowadays -- hooray! -- and soon we can compare chemo treatments. Heh.)

My sweetie will be gone for 17 days, most of which he will be incommunicado, as he will be flying from here to Taipei, and then from Taipei to Bangkok, and then from Bangkok to Ko Samui, and then living on a boat in the middle of an inland sea, over 100 miles from the nearest cell tower.

Once he clears the hurdles of multiple flights in each direct, I'm hoping he has a relaxing trip. The poor guy certainly needs it. Maybe he'll have another encounter with a juvenile whale shark. The one last year appeared quite friendly, almost like a giant puppy.

Today's RTBT: my engineer is a sensible, expert diver who thoroughly checks his equipment.

In the meantime, back on this side of the world, a fortune cookie ending a takeout meal this week informed me that I should learn the Chinese word: "bing" (disease). *Snort* A bit late with that advice, but if you click on the photo above, you can also see the photo of a statue in the Bellagio Conservatory Gardens in Las Vegas. In keeping with both the spirit of Vegas and the landscape artists (who usually create a Chinese New Year theme every year) this god is associated with wealth and prosperity. Look closely and you'll see he is standing on a pile of coins, while holding a gold ingot and a coinpurse.

Okay, and in honor of going back to work, I am now going to bed. The sweater to the right is FINALLY going to be delivered to my co-worker for her several month-old baby girl. I knitted it out of Gedifra Fashion Trend, purchased via eBay.

Must ... go.... *THUD* now.... Zzzzzzzz

Snow day!

Here's the view out of my engineer's window today, and although you can't see it in this little snap taken by my cellphone, there are numerous dogs and small children gleefully gallivanting about in big piles of fluffy snow.

Overnight, there were apparently 7 inches of snow in Central Park (and that was in the morning, before the AM accumulation -- it kept snowing until about noon) resulting in the first snow day for NYC public schools in FIVE YEARS. (According to NY1, NYC had 10 to 13 inches of snow altogether.)

So today's WNYC (NPR) interview with NYC School Chancellor Joel Klein has confirmed what I suspected: NYC public school kids almost NEVER get snow days (not like I'm bitter or nothin'... I mean, just because I had one measly snow day in 12 years of NYC public education...) mostly due to the issue of childcare: most NYC public school kids have both parents working, so closing the schools would results in childcare logistical angst. Basically, it's all about money, not snow or safety.

Anyway, I think the snow finally stopped, when I looked out of the window a little before 1pm.

And although my insomnia has not exactly stopped, I have consulted with one of my (ever expanding cadre of) doctors, and dug out a bottle of Lunesta prescribed to me last summer. My plan is to take it nightly for a week, just so I can get some decent rest. Hopefully, that will get my body back into the habit of sleeping through the night.

So this will be my inaugural entry for Reasons To Be Thankful (RTBT) since despite my current medical odyssey, there are so many reasons that life is good. Today's RTBT: Lunesta!

Okay, now I'm off to the PATH train... and really wishing that I had brought my hat with me on Saturday 'cos the air temperature is 24 degrees Fahrenheit, but the wind chill is 10. Bleh! (Yes, I know, some gruyere would go really well with the whine.)